Space To Share
by Phantom Geisha
Summary: Remus, Sirius, slashy angst.


Disclaimer: They're J.K.'s. She can sue but I've got a countersuit for emotional trauma sustained while reading the end of Order of the Phoenix. I think it's going to be class action; who's with me? Lyrics are from the song "Space To Share" by Scapegoat Wax.  
  
Feedback makes me happy on the inside.  
  
Space To Share i~Sleeping on the steps Waiting for the day to begin Cause I know where you're at But I swear one day you're coming back, my friend I hope we meet in the end~/i  
  
I don't believe it.  
  
I stare into the rising sun, eyesight be damned-what do I care? Lily and James, dead, Peter, dead without even a body, and Sirius-  
  
I can't believe it.  
  
The evidence is overwhelming. He iwas/i the Secret Keeper, I know it, they told me. But how can Sirius, whom I have loved for Merlin knows how long, who has shared my flat since we graduated from Hogwarts, who has stared into my eyes and told me he'd never let anything happen to me-how could he have been a Death Eater, why would he sell out his best friends?  
  
He has been distant recently; he's been home less and less, and even when he was home, I caught him looking at me as though he didn't know who I was.  
  
I thought there was someone else; now I almost wish that there had been, instead of. this.  
  
If he really did it.  
  
I stare up at the setting Dogstar, and wish for clarity. Acceptance. Truth. Anything.  
  
It's going to be quite a wait.  
  
i~Move along is all you heard I'm sure you're fine right there But if you're bad with words We have a space to share~/i  
  
I lean against the porch railing, watching the black dog in my yard. He stares back at me, with no hostility, but not much else, as far as I can tell.  
  
"Sirius," I whisper. I'm not even sure if I'm speaking to him or not, but he moves a few steps closer.  
  
I'm not sure why he's here; we've had no contact since the night in the Shrieking Shack a month ago. Then today I came home from the market to discover a hippogriff tethered in the shed and a large, half-wild black dog sitting next to it.  
  
I'm hesitant to touch the man I once loved.  
  
Still love.  
  
The man who once loved me, then. He may not have lost his mind in Azkaban, but not even Sirius is strong enough to escape unscathed from that place. Half of me yearns to rush to him and give him a much better embrace than the one we shared in the Shrieking Shack, but I know he's not the same man who left me 12 years ago. I don't know what he's ready for.  
  
I walk slowly over to Padfoot, who continues to stare at me. I sit down next to him. Not too close.  
  
"Look," I say quietly, pointing to the sky. I don't look at him; I might just be a dotty professor, talking to myself. "There's your star. The Dogstar.  
  
"It's two stars, really," I continue, not even knowing what I'm on about. Dotty old professor, all right. "Binary stars, revolving around one another. Always. So close they look like one."  
  
The dog is now a man-- my former lover, hair snarled and dirty, face hollow, but as beautiful to me as he ever has been. He opens his mouth to say something, but then closes it.  
  
And smiles. "It's our star, Remus."  
  
i~And making all the sense is everything I don't believe I can't compete with this absence My chest has found it hard to breathe Since you decided to leave And I've been thinking 'bout What I'm gonna do with this day Cause you took the long way home And now it seems you're not even on your way On your way~/i  
  
He's gone.  
  
I stare into the shadowy yard, at the sun lightening the horizon, hoping to catch a glimpse of Padfoot's yellow eyes, of someone dismounting a hippogriff.  
  
He's not there. He's not coming back.  
  
I'm not an idiot, I'm not a child, I know death is forever. But we lost twelve years, we were just beginning to work through all of our buried feelings.  
  
It's not fair.  
  
I let out a bitter laugh; it burns my throat. Maybe I am a child, expecting life to be fair.  
  
i~And all I wanna do Is see you for a minute or two~/i  
  
I would gladly die if I could see him one more time, I think-and it should have been me anyway. He was the guardian of a teenage boy and a hippogriff; I don't even have any houseplants. I wish it were me. Then I wouldn't feel anything.  
  
The sun is creeping over the trees in the east, but I still catch a glimpse of the Dogstar.  
  
i"It's two stars really." "It's our star, Remus."/i  
  
And for a second, I think I see a pair of yellow dog eyes glinting in the sky. It's only the stars, but at least Voldemort will never take those from me.  
  
It's time to go to the Order meeting, and I rise from the porch steps.  
  
When we're done, Voldemort will never take anything else from anyone. i~And I've been thinking bout What I wanna do with this day~/i 


End file.
